Gold

He’s pure fire to be with.

Each lover I’ve ever had has had a flavor, a feeling, and a color. Muted greens, soft pinks, sweet notes. He is Helios, overpoweringly golden with a deep flavor. Like molten sunlight. I can feel him long after we’ve parted. He stays where others have faded. And he is looking into my soul this night.

My skin reacts to every touch, every tease when he leans in to kiss and then exhales and his breath caresses my face. He’s intoxicating me and I’m completely drunk. My pride is in ruins on the floor. My shameless need for him sits brazenly on my face.

***

“I’ve never seen you like this.” My husband is sitting on the couch near me and I have been gazing off over my front lawn, lost in recent memories. His voice brings me back to the present. “I never saw you through our initial phases, we lived so far apart.” I can’t even get my brain to tell my mouth to speak for a moment and he chuckles. “This one really is different.”

How fucking lucky am I to be loved by a man who can see me falling so hard and losing my senses over this new love and be so steady and so calm as to hold my hand and only love me harder? He’s keeping me from floating away entirely, from losing my sense of self, something I could easily find myself doing.

How blessed am I to know so much love?

***

He cracks up in the middle of the grocery store aisle and starts to say “You’re so stupid..” because we’ve been mooning over each other again over his son’s head. He trails it off quickly but I’m almost possessed of an urge to tell him it’s not insulting. This whole thing has been stupid but in the most beautiful way. I’m not stupid, but damn it I make google eyes at him in public and he’s making them back and it’s sickening. I can’t get enough. I agree. We’re both so stupid in love that it’s got to be like a glow.

***

They’ve all hugged me now. Only one I had to ask for. K’s was sudden and I had to laugh at myself for asking if she meant to hug me. I had to ask Z if it was alright to get one the following morning. No reservations, he was happy to oblige. How am I going to show them how much they mean to me while I’m away? Already some ideas are forming.

***

I’m on the verge of my trip and the depth of what I feel for him is striking me. This is usually all I see, all I focus on. The last time it wasn’t enough to divert me was when Matt was coming to join us. This is serious, not even the cabin can call me back to myself completely.

***

“Promise you won’t forget me.” Never. I don’t think I stand a snowflake’s chance in hell of ever living another moment in this life where his name, where all of their names, aren’t filling every breath..

***

How fucking lucky am I.

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