Hey You

I hate it when I’m feeling a mixture of things that I can’t identify. It makes it nearly impossible to determine what I need to do to feel better.

I’m love sick, I’m tired, I’m frustrated. I’m trying to sort out my work life that’s in tangles and they want to fight me with passive aggression. I want to find new work but I get unreasonably upset that most places demand nights, weekends, holidays and have horrible retail environments.

Whatever peace I find seems short lived, making it all the more easy to feel addicted and seeking it out. I have to shake my head to clear it multiple times a day.

Why do I feel like my stomach is tied in knots?

Part of it is purely physiological. My period has always taken whatever I’m feeling and magnified it a hundred times, making emotional stability and regulation damn near impossible, and adds to a general feeling of malaise. I become driven to find comfort more than any other time, and my ability to control those thoughts and feelings diminishes.

I want to be curled up, soothed and told everything will continue to work out. That I can find a solution that will integrate work into my personal life that is now growing. I don’t want to be burned out, and I don’t want to be worked to the point of breaking, and my frustration at having little choice continues to add to these feelings of being unwell.

I don’t know where things will be in a couple of months. Perhaps there can be some changes, some adjustments, or something useful will turn up in my searches.

“Do you believe in fate?”

Why would I ask that? I don’t even know how I feel about things like that. Why does everything suddenly have to feel so complicated and overwhelming?

I know why, my brain is literally not creating the chemicals it needs to function properly right this moment. And just by saying it, there’s some element of comfort. I’m no longer suffering in silence.

Now if I could just figure out what I need to feel like me right now without wanting to tear at my hair and sleep for a decade. Maybe I’m hungry. Maybe that’s what’s wrong.

Maybe I’m just feeling defeated and less productive, and that makes me feel like I’m not in control, and those feelings have overwhelmed me.

Bleh.

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