Keys and Letters
Dear K,
Been kind of a crazy few months huh? I met you in the summer and came to understand that it hasn't been an easy time for you. It's been a season of transitions, of changes. You're 14 now, and going to high school. I can remember my first day in high school, how my stomach was tied in knots because it was so much bigger and more confusing, and I was the little Freshman. Just about the time I got used to it, it was summer again, but the following years were easier. I still remember that anxiety though, so I try to listen when you talk, just to see how you are.
I know, too, that you lost a close friendship, and that you probably felt like it was important to be brave to help your family through it too. You were left with a lot of unanswered questions, and a lot of feelings because of that. I don't have the power to fix anything that happened, and I wouldn't try to. What you had was special even if it didn't end that well, and this is one of your first tastes of adulthood. Sometimes you can do everything right and it still doesn't work out, and it's ok to be upset about that. Sometimes the same world that can be so mean and make you feel so many awful things can turn around and give you a little window of light.
For me, you were that little window of light. Because you exist in this world, and because you have been so kind to me and offered me affection with no expectations, I have begun to feel light where before there was darkness. You have that power, and you are special for that.
My own mother has not been well for a few years, but I told her about you. She remembered your name, that you like unicorns and that you're 14. Because I could share you with her, explain you to her, I got a piece of my mother back. The necklace I brought back for you was from her and I, and you had the power to help restore a relationship that I had all but given up on. You reached her when no one else could, just because you're you.
I've been trying to be careful of the pieces of you that were hurt recently. You deserve time to let those heal properly, and you deserve the chance to process all of those feelings in ways that help you. I want you to know that any way you choose to show affection with me is welcome. I will never turn down a hug, a cuddle, or a request for a car ride just so you can hang out with me if that's what you want. I want you to know that what I'm going to say next is not said with the expectation that you return it, only that you understand that for me I am willing and ready to show you how I feel. If you're not ready to say it back, that's perfectly fine, and if it never gets to be time, that's ok too. I'm saying this because I want you to know, and that can be all there is to it.
I love you, K. I love the way you laugh when your dad is picking on you. I love the way you say "moooooooom" over the bannister and the silly voices you make. I loved it when we sat on the carpet of that ridiculously swanky house and you taught me the snap triangle, because your face lit up. I love it when you hug me and say you'll keep me forever, because that's exactly how long I plan to be around.
I can't promise I'll always be with your dad, the world doesn't work that way no matter how much I want it to (however I can hope and work hard to make that a reality so don't think I'm not going to!), but I won't just leave you. I won't just walk out of your life and leave you to pick up those pieces alone. You deserve to be shown that you are valuable and that your friendship and your feelings matter. It's ok if it takes time for you to feel safe in that knowledge, but I promise this: I will exhaust every avenue, every ounce of my energy and every resource I can get my hands on to make sure that you never have to question that I'm here for you and your family. I promise that where others have sewn pain, I will only give yellow patches of joy for you.
I love you, and all of your family, and I'm keeping you all. Forever. (That was totally not ominous at all.)
Love,
J
Dear Z,
Your whole life speaks to me. I, too, am a middle child. Picked on my by older siblings, having to do whatever my baby sister wanted, kind of getting squeezed into whatever space I had to take. I see a lot of myself in you, and most importantly I want you to know that I see you. It's easy to feel invisible, to feel overlooked, but you're special to me. I noticed you first.
Every time I figure out what it is you want, like riding in the truck or riding in the front seat, your face gets the same look mine did when someone noticed me as a kid. I live for those moments. And I live for the ones where you curl up against me and close your eyes like you did in the truck on the long car ride.
I want you to know that here, as well, I have been careful with you. Your thoughts and feelings and your choices are yours. I don't want you to think you must give or say anything to me that didn't come from your own ideas. I will never turn down a hug, a cuddle, a nap, or a request for a ride in the truck if you just need those things, but I will never demand them from you. I am happy just to be around you, watching you perform your Naruto run.
Without expecting you to feel the same way, I want you to know that I love you, Z. I love you for the way you crawl with twisted arms around the room like a maniac, laughing. I love you for the way you make jokes and that you will explain any part of your video games that I ask about. I love you for the way you look up at me when we're sitting next to each other and you beam with happiness. You make my heart skip a beat every time.
You are valuable, and I treasure every moment I get to spend around you. I want you to know that I'm always going to be around as long as there's a heartbeat in my chest, for hugs, for laughter, for hard days when you need a friend. I'm here, and I will understand your struggles in the middle better than most. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I will not leave you as your friend. You are too dear to my heart to abandon or overlook, and I hope in time you will feel that without me even having to say it.
Middle kids united in love,
J
Dear R,
You are a wildling, chaotic and crazy. You were the first to reach out to me, the first to hug me and to then turn around and punch me. It's ok, I get it. You're three, and you feel a lot but you don't have the ability to put it in words yet. You don't have the experience to temper actions with thought, it all just comes flying out of you.
I get it, and even though you probably won't really understand a thing in this letter for a while, that's ok. There's nothing but time.
I love you, R. I love the way you talk animatedly and I have no clue what you're saying, but you're so convincing that I can't help but listen. I love that you run around all wild and only listen to the sense in your head. I love that you still can't quite figure out affection with me, and that's ok. Some day, if you feel like it, we can work on that. Until then, I'll still be here for whatever it is that makes sense in your world.
Stay wild and free.
Love,
J
Been kind of a crazy few months huh? I met you in the summer and came to understand that it hasn't been an easy time for you. It's been a season of transitions, of changes. You're 14 now, and going to high school. I can remember my first day in high school, how my stomach was tied in knots because it was so much bigger and more confusing, and I was the little Freshman. Just about the time I got used to it, it was summer again, but the following years were easier. I still remember that anxiety though, so I try to listen when you talk, just to see how you are.
I know, too, that you lost a close friendship, and that you probably felt like it was important to be brave to help your family through it too. You were left with a lot of unanswered questions, and a lot of feelings because of that. I don't have the power to fix anything that happened, and I wouldn't try to. What you had was special even if it didn't end that well, and this is one of your first tastes of adulthood. Sometimes you can do everything right and it still doesn't work out, and it's ok to be upset about that. Sometimes the same world that can be so mean and make you feel so many awful things can turn around and give you a little window of light.
For me, you were that little window of light. Because you exist in this world, and because you have been so kind to me and offered me affection with no expectations, I have begun to feel light where before there was darkness. You have that power, and you are special for that.
My own mother has not been well for a few years, but I told her about you. She remembered your name, that you like unicorns and that you're 14. Because I could share you with her, explain you to her, I got a piece of my mother back. The necklace I brought back for you was from her and I, and you had the power to help restore a relationship that I had all but given up on. You reached her when no one else could, just because you're you.
I've been trying to be careful of the pieces of you that were hurt recently. You deserve time to let those heal properly, and you deserve the chance to process all of those feelings in ways that help you. I want you to know that any way you choose to show affection with me is welcome. I will never turn down a hug, a cuddle, or a request for a car ride just so you can hang out with me if that's what you want. I want you to know that what I'm going to say next is not said with the expectation that you return it, only that you understand that for me I am willing and ready to show you how I feel. If you're not ready to say it back, that's perfectly fine, and if it never gets to be time, that's ok too. I'm saying this because I want you to know, and that can be all there is to it.
I love you, K. I love the way you laugh when your dad is picking on you. I love the way you say "moooooooom" over the bannister and the silly voices you make. I loved it when we sat on the carpet of that ridiculously swanky house and you taught me the snap triangle, because your face lit up. I love it when you hug me and say you'll keep me forever, because that's exactly how long I plan to be around.
I can't promise I'll always be with your dad, the world doesn't work that way no matter how much I want it to (however I can hope and work hard to make that a reality so don't think I'm not going to!), but I won't just leave you. I won't just walk out of your life and leave you to pick up those pieces alone. You deserve to be shown that you are valuable and that your friendship and your feelings matter. It's ok if it takes time for you to feel safe in that knowledge, but I promise this: I will exhaust every avenue, every ounce of my energy and every resource I can get my hands on to make sure that you never have to question that I'm here for you and your family. I promise that where others have sewn pain, I will only give yellow patches of joy for you.
I love you, and all of your family, and I'm keeping you all. Forever. (That was totally not ominous at all.)
Love,
J
Dear Z,
Your whole life speaks to me. I, too, am a middle child. Picked on my by older siblings, having to do whatever my baby sister wanted, kind of getting squeezed into whatever space I had to take. I see a lot of myself in you, and most importantly I want you to know that I see you. It's easy to feel invisible, to feel overlooked, but you're special to me. I noticed you first.
Every time I figure out what it is you want, like riding in the truck or riding in the front seat, your face gets the same look mine did when someone noticed me as a kid. I live for those moments. And I live for the ones where you curl up against me and close your eyes like you did in the truck on the long car ride.
I want you to know that here, as well, I have been careful with you. Your thoughts and feelings and your choices are yours. I don't want you to think you must give or say anything to me that didn't come from your own ideas. I will never turn down a hug, a cuddle, a nap, or a request for a ride in the truck if you just need those things, but I will never demand them from you. I am happy just to be around you, watching you perform your Naruto run.
Without expecting you to feel the same way, I want you to know that I love you, Z. I love you for the way you crawl with twisted arms around the room like a maniac, laughing. I love you for the way you make jokes and that you will explain any part of your video games that I ask about. I love you for the way you look up at me when we're sitting next to each other and you beam with happiness. You make my heart skip a beat every time.
You are valuable, and I treasure every moment I get to spend around you. I want you to know that I'm always going to be around as long as there's a heartbeat in my chest, for hugs, for laughter, for hard days when you need a friend. I'm here, and I will understand your struggles in the middle better than most. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I will not leave you as your friend. You are too dear to my heart to abandon or overlook, and I hope in time you will feel that without me even having to say it.
Middle kids united in love,
J
Dear R,
You are a wildling, chaotic and crazy. You were the first to reach out to me, the first to hug me and to then turn around and punch me. It's ok, I get it. You're three, and you feel a lot but you don't have the ability to put it in words yet. You don't have the experience to temper actions with thought, it all just comes flying out of you.
I get it, and even though you probably won't really understand a thing in this letter for a while, that's ok. There's nothing but time.
I love you, R. I love the way you talk animatedly and I have no clue what you're saying, but you're so convincing that I can't help but listen. I love that you run around all wild and only listen to the sense in your head. I love that you still can't quite figure out affection with me, and that's ok. Some day, if you feel like it, we can work on that. Until then, I'll still be here for whatever it is that makes sense in your world.
Stay wild and free.
Love,
J
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