Queen Juicy J

Oh man, the weekend has barely started and I’m already writing. Buckle up, it’s already starting to get serious. So last weekend we all piled into cars and went to see my metamour, C, cross the stage and earn a degree. It was interesting having come with my boyfriend and his wife and meeting my husband there as the partner to C, watching her son little T. It was probably one of the most surreal moments in poly I’ve experienced so far, and blows me away that we were both quite capable of handling it. I found myself once more in a sort of flow in between. At times I sat next to my husband and felt like his partner, but when C then came around I was able to step back and just go where needed. In the photographs, my arms are around the Bs eldest daughter, K. For someone who hates ambiguity, I sure am finding a comfortable spot in the most ambiguous place when we’re all together. I attribute this to my own sense of independence. I remain Poison Ivy, going as I please, willing whatever r...

Growing up my mum implemented a rule. We always say ‘I love you’ before we leave and we kiss goodbye. Every time, no matter what. Because the world can be scary and it’s the last moment to be kind, to express unconditional love. I taught this to Matt after years, and now he cannot escape the need to do so. It’s a difficult habit to break, but I try not to smother people with it. It’s created a ritual around leaving, and it can weigh so heavily. “They miss you. You’re not just an after thought.” I’m going through my goodbyes, being a responsible adult, preparing to leave after a full weekend. He says it as I’m trying to shore up the emotion threatening to close my throat and it spills. It’s no longer just half hearted and indifferent waves from the couch as I leave. Hands reach for me, voices whine and plead to stay. Hugs have grown tighter and more lingering and the tightness in my chest threatens to spill tears into their hair. I hold on to it as long as I can, but ultimately th...

Me, around noon today, having had a difficult time with my partners the night before and struggling with residual feelings. Me: He hasn't said anything since 530 last night. EGO: YEAH. WE TOLD HIM NOT TO EXPECT A LOT OF TALK BECAUSE YOU'RE BUSY. STAY FOCUSED. a͎n͎x͎i͎e͎t͎y͎:͎ ͎H͎e͎'͎s͎ ͎m͎a͎d͎ ͎a͎t͎ ͎y͎o͎u͎ ͎-͎ ͎h͎e͎'͎s͎ ͎b͎e͎e͎n͎ ͎s͎h͎o͎r͎t͎ ͎a͎n͎d͎ ͎q͎u͎i͎e͎t͎ ͎b͎e͎c͎a͎u͎s͎e͎ ͎h͎e͎'͎s͎ ͎m͎a͎d͎ ͎a͎t͎ ͎y͎o͎u͎ Me: He's not mad. He's tired. And Ego said-- a͎n͎x͎i͎e͎t͎y͎:͎ ͎b͎i͎t͎c͎h͎ ͎h͎e͎'͎s͎ ͎M͎A͎D͎ ͎a͎n͎d͎ ͎h͎e͎'͎s͎ ͎g͎o͎n͎n͎a͎ ͎i͎g͎n͎o͎r͎e͎ ͎y͎o͎u͎ ͎a͎l͎l͎ ͎d͎a͎y͎ 𝐼𝓃𝓃𝑒𝓇 𝓌𝑜𝓂𝒶𝓃: 𝐹𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝒽𝒾𝓂. 𝐻𝑒 𝒹𝑜𝑒𝓈𝓃'𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒶𝓁𝓀, 𝓌𝑒 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓌𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓉𝒶𝓁𝓀. 𝐻𝑒𝓇𝑒, 𝐼'𝓁𝓁 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓉𝑒𝓍𝓉 𝒷𝒶𝒸𝓀 '𝒪𝒦'. 𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓌𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓈𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝒽𝒾𝓂. Me: IW, you're just being petty, stop that. Say something nice. 𝐼𝓃𝓃𝑒𝓇 𝓌𝑜𝓂𝒶𝓃: 𝒩𝑜. Me: He's going to get really mad about that, th...

Before I even dive into this weekend, the emotions start rolling Thursday night. The 6th of December. No... wait, they began on the 5th. Fifteen years ago I dressed in a red turtleneck under a smart dark jean jacket and matching pants, and nervously walked into the courtroom in Corunna with my mother. Tucked under my arm was my copy of the police reports, medical diagnostics, and little notes to remind myself of any answers I might need to give in case I froze during during my hearing. I watched as four couples went before me, petitioning for divorce. Each time the judge ordered them to go to court mandated couples therapy before he would grant any legal separation. I began to feel numb. J wasn’t here, for all his promises to show up and make this hard, he and his faction were blissfully ex parte. He called my name and I went to stand at the podium beneath soaring murals of blindfolded Justice and stern looking judges from this room’s century long history. I felt tiny, dwarfed, and...