Queen Juicy J

Goodbye 2019. I wish I could say it’s been fun, but you were a year of change, of catalysts, of pain and of balance stolen. We almost had it all. The first half of the year feels like a terrible mix of effort and failure. The second half felt like a nightmare. Why can’t I wake up and find myself again? Why is the reflection in the mirror so unfamiliar? I look at her, dark circles at the corners of her eyes, hair longer than I’ve seen in decades. A paleness that hadn’t been there before. More fine lines, signs of aging. She looks haunted, with a deep sadness in her eyes where light used to be. She looks tired. Who is this? There’s no way that’s me. Me who began the year with so much hope, so much ambition. So much joy. The polycule had issues, but we were strong. So strong. Now broken, now empty and a shadow of what once was hovers over us all like a dark cloud. It never stops raining, the sun doesn’t shine on the corners of my heart any longer. I am tired. And what of those who...

 it moves differently in crisis. Soft in the middle with sharp edges. Tasting like copper. Time is a friend and a hated enemy. All those memories, piled on in time, reminding you of what's lost. What could be gained again. Of what could or could not be.

Cold. Numb. Disconnected. Voided.

It's tense, the warmth here drained out slowly but surely as conflict does to joy. There are no more warm greetings in the mornings. No more casual interactions. She glowers and barely musters a response to any words said to her. I stay mute behind a neutral mask and am haunted by the taste of blood. One wrong move, one wrong word, and my mind tells me the taste will be real. "Say nothing, do nothing, become nothing. Nothing cannot be hit. Cannot be harmed. Cannot even be struck at." It's been a long time since I've had to rely on these mechanisms to keep harm to a minimum. Keep a face like a mask that can only be interpreted by its viewer, but never let it appear anything but neutral. Eyes down. Breathe quietly. Step silently. Do not ask anything unless it is critical. Do not speak, you will say the wrong thing. If you leave, you are weak. If you stay you are holding a shield that withers by the day. By the hour. Under  the constant assault. Of a man who'...

I’m shaking, and inside there are so many voices screaming. So many memories playing out across my eyes so that I can’t even look up. I can’t bear to see his face change from neutral to angry... *** It’s been another whirlwind weekend, another holiday, another house full. The week leading up to it has not been the easiest. To be blunt, emotionally, I have been a fucking wreck. My stability has been compromised, I’m unsure of where I stand and what’s to come. Work is hellishly roller-coastered with highs and lows, shocks and pain. He’s been away with his wife to her family, and I am keenly aware of how important this is to him. She will be accessible to him in a way she usually is not. This is a time for them, for their family, and to steal moments as they can. Even saying hello in the morning feels a little guilty. That’s not my place and this was not my time, and I want to be more than supportive during a rather tumultuous time. I wanted to go above and beyond, even as I was str...

I remember being six, and reading a story in my elementary school reader about the magical age of seven and how excited I was that I would get to be this magical number. I can feel the glossy smooth pages under my fingers still, and the brightly colored drawing of a girl with a cupcake above the wide-spaced paragraphs of the short story meant to help us learn how to read. That was the first time I really remember anything about birthdays. *** I wake up on Saturday next to him, rubbing my eyes and recalling my brain back to my body. I've asked not to make choices, to have someone else at the helm. It feels a little bit forced, so I try not to push that too hard. I'm given two options for outdoors, and one for indoors. I want to be out, I want to be doing something, so I choose the zoo after a little careful thought. No doubt Fort Sumter would have been just as good, but I wanted engagement and happiness across the board. I chose right. When figuring out the cars, the hea...

”You look like you’re glowing, Jewel.” My co-worker is nudging me, and I can feel the familiar tightening in my stomach of excitement. This weekend will be another adventure, another great moment in time for my memories. I know already it will be an entry, I just don’t know in what way. I tell her that my boyfriend will be picking me up from work with the kids, and she says she wants to meet them. More overhear and ask if they can meet him too. This quickly turns into a brief Q & A and one of them catches me off guard a little. “What do they call you?” Referring to the kids. “Usually ‘mean’,” I say. They laugh and I shrug and that’s the end of it. The phone rings and I have to go back to work. As the day wears on, I feel myself becoming more and more excited. Even when he’s late departing and we’re late to close, I feel only elation. It’s actually times perfectly and so he meets people I talk about frequently and they can put both faces with names. Matt has shown up as well. ...